"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced their going to have a debate. They already have a name for it -- 'Alienated vs. Predator.'" --Craig Ferguson
"It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman." --Craig Ferguson
"Yesterday was 'Take Your Kid to Work Day.' It used to be 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids – 'Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.' This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down." --Jimmy Fallon
"Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending. He’s proposing a new budget '' $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles." --Jimmy Fallon
"Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout." --David Letterman
"Today is the 81st birthday of Madam Tussauds wax museum. Biggest collection of wax figures since 'The View.'" --David Letterman
"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman
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