Late Night Political Jokes-A Political Roast

Late Night Political Jokes From 1/17/09

"Did you all see President Bush's farewell address last night? President Bush said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right." --Jay Leno

"In fact, last night, President Bush's speech forced the preemption of the NBC comedy series 'Kath and Kim.'" Presidential historians are calling this Bush's finest achievement ever, actually." --Jay Leno

"And, of course, of course, now the real pressure is on. President Bush only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush said he's gonna live in Dallas when he leaves the White House. And, of course, the community in Dallas is welcoming him. You know, as a president who had a disappointing and horrible year, he'll be named an honorary member of the Dallas Cowboys. So, that's good news." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors." --Jay Leno

"Listen to what Barack Obama did today. He worked on the stimulus plan, had a classified intelligence briefing and met with Congressional leaders. Meanwhile, John McCain backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman

"And the other thing is, Barack Obama is still trying to get a dog for the kids. You know about that? He promised the little girls they'd get a dog when they moved into the White House. And he's looking for a dog that's loyal, friendly, and also one that can fetch cigarettes." --David Letterman

"And they're talking about a dog called a labradoodle. That's not a dog. That's George W. Bush playing Scrabble. Come on!" --David Letterman

"By the way, finally some financial good news, good news. The federal deficit will ease up now, because Dick Cheney has to pay for his own health care." --David Letterman

"Big interview with Dick Cheney over the weekend. Dick Cheney said that he's ... actually lovable. Dick Cheney. Actually loveable. I'm thinking about this. It really does melt your heart when he flashes that winning sneer." --David Letterman

"President Bush last night made his farewell address to the nation. For 15 minutes, America turned its gaze from the guy who landed the plane in the river to the guy who landed the country in the ditch." --Jimmy Kimmel

"White House decorators are busy right now peeling the glow in the dark stars off the ceiling in the presidential bedroom." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're four days away from Barack Obama's inauguration as the 44th president of the United States, and five days away from the biggest hangover of Oprah's life." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Security is going to be very tight in Washington, DC. They have 20,000 men deployed for this thing. 10,000 to ensure that Obama is safe, and 10,000 to make sure Bush leaves. And with so many of our nation's police on the scene in Washington, it might be a good time to commit a crime in your neck of the woods, you know what I'm saying? Or maybe not." --Jimmy Kimmel
Share It, Post It, Email it!
Funny Songs----Comedy Central-Jokes.com---2009 Dodge Ram----Advertise Here and 25 Other Sites!

Funny George Bush Shoe Throwing Jokes from the Late Night Comedians

Now this is a Political Roast!

"George Bush is over there in Baghdad saying goodbye to the troops, and this Iraqi journalist heaves a couple shoes at the President. And we thought, hopefully that's just a one-of-a-kind episode. Unfortunately, however, the news coming out of the Middle East is that Iran is developing a long-range loafer." --David Letterman

"People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. ... It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno "That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? That's what he said! I mean, take off one shoe. You throw it. You throw the other shoe. He planned it for months. And he still missed both times!" --Jay Leno


"The guy is being called a hero in the Arab world. So, he has this plan and it's a failure. And he's a hero. You know, if that's the standard, Bush would be the biggest hero in the Arab world." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This is the country we thought had nuclear weapons. It turns out they have a pair of size 9 Hush Puppies instead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back." --Jay Leno

"I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox News." --David Letterman

"Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!" --Jay Leno

"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno

"You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno

"Now, here's my question, and no offense here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn't they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I'm saying? Come on. Seriously. Aren't these guys supposed to take a bullet for the president?" --Jay Leno

"See, that's when Bush realized he was on his way out, when the Secret Service are going, 'Yeah, we're guarding the new guy now.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno

"Well, the interesting thing was the journalist who threw the shoe was immediately arrested, and then offered his own show on MSNBC." --Jay Leno

"Bush is in Baghdad, he's having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, 'Here's your farewell kiss, you dog!' That's what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC." --David Letterman

"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman

"You've got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. ... Too bad he didn't react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers." --David Letterman

I don't think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, at a press conference in Baghdad, an angry Iraqi threw his shoes at President Bush's head. Yeah, when he saw the shoes, President Bush said, 'See, I knew you guys had weapons of mass destruction." --Conan O'Brien

"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien

"The shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. Free shoes! You betcha!" --Craig Ferguson

"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson

Share It, Post It, Email it!
Advertise Here and 24 Other Sites!

Political Roast-Late Night Political Jokes-12/13/08

"Five years ago tomorrow, I believe, you know what it was? We have an anniversary. They captured Saddam Hussein. Captured Saddam Hussein. Yeah. You know who gets a really big kick out of that? ... Bin Laden. He just thinks that's the funniest thing" --David Letterman

"President Bush's term is winding down, and all these articles are coming out, very strange articles about him. According to an article that just came out in a fitness magazine ... the president often rides a stationary bike on-board Air Force One. That's true. Advisors say he pedals really hard because he thinks he's powering the plane." --Conan O'Brien

"The Blagojevich scandal continues. Earlier this week, of course, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was accused of auctioning off a Senate seat to the highest bidder. Now his approval rating is at 8%. Yeah, when he heard this, Blagojevich said, 'Eight? Do I hear a nine? 10?" --Conan O'Brien

"When Vice President-elect Biden takes office next month, he's going to have a new family member on hand: a German Shepherd puppy. Biden has had three German Shepherds in the past, and he likes them because they're smart and they're quick learners. Which will come in handy, because as you know, the vice president's dog is always standing by in case President Obama's dog becomes incapacitated." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And this particular dog, he's only a month old. Already, Biden taught him a trick. He already learned how to put his foot in his mouth. Isn't that cute?" --Jimmy Kimmel


"And not only will the new puppy serve as a pet, until he gets big enough to be home alone, he will also serve as the vice president's toupee [on screen: a photo of Biden with the puppy sitting on his head]." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Obama girls are getting a puppy, Biden is getting a German Shepherd puppy, and Hillary Clinton will do all the spaying and neutering." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. When agents arrived at his house, Blagojevich asked for five minutes to pack up his things, and eight hours to brush his hair." --Amy Poehler

"Prosecutors said Tuesday there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, 'Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?'" --Amy Poehler

"Barack Obama this week named Nobel Prize-winning physicist Steve Chu as his energy secretary, unless he was just sneezing." --Amy Poehler

Political Roast-Late Night Political Jokes From Jimmy Kimmel

"Joe the plumber is back in the news today. Joe the plumber, even though he spent several weeks on a bus campaigning with John McCain, he told Glenn Beck last night that he felt 'dirty' after discussing the issues with him. I don't know how to tell you this, Joe, but of course you felt dirty. You work in other people's toilets." --Jimmy Kimmel

"He said some of the stuff coming out of McCain's mouth was so appalling he almost got off the bus, and the only reason he didn't is because he knew if he walked off the bus, he would be forced to return to his normal life as a simple, tax-evading fame whore." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But Joe actually did have praise for McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. He called her the real deal. That's great, I'm glad they got along. And they're perfect for each other, in a way. In fact, they're actually starring in a new movie together. I don't know if you've heard, it's called 'Dumb and Plumber.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

Political Roast-Late Night Political Jokes

"It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You've got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year's White House Christmas party." --Jay Leno

"And, according to the New York Times, former president Bill Clinton says he is open to the possibility of a role in the Barack Obama administration. Well, actually, what he said was, he was looking for a desk job. I don't know what that means." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama announced Wednesday that New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is his choice for secretary of commerce, which should be an easy job, now that there isn't any." --Seth Meyers

"The head of Regal Entertainment says as the recession gets worse, more people are coming to the movies. Because nothing helps you forget your troubles like a $5 Sprite" --Seth Meyers


"The runoff in the Georgia Senate race was won this week by Saxby Chambliss, who is the incumbent Republican senator and not, as I believed, an obscure font." --Amy Poehler

"Some bad economic news today. They estimate more than a half a million Americans lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is now at 6.7 percent, that is the highest since 1993. In layman's terms, that means almost one in ten Americans know what it's like to be K-Fed." --Jimmy Kimmel

Political Roast Picks-Late Night Political Jokes Dec.3 2008

"The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. Think about it. So lawyers are losing their jobs. ... CEOs are being forced to work for a dollar a year. Ann Coulter's jaw is wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever." --Jay Leno

"Our President-elect, Barack Obama, was busy again today, picking his White House kickball team, or something like that. This morning, he nominated New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson to be secretary of commerce, which, given the state of our economy, might be the toughest cabinet job of all. Which means, once again, the Mexican guy gets stuck with the job that nobody else wants to do." --Jimmy Kimmel

The most fun of these exit interviews with the president is going to be watching the news anchors try to delicately assess whether this president realize just how bad he has f***ed this thing up [on screen: Gibson asking Bush various questions, trying to gauge what he thinks the American people think about his presidency. Gibson also asks Bush if there was an 'uh-oh' moment]. An 'uh-oh' moment? Why do we have to talk to this jackass like he's four? When did foolhardy war and economic collapse become 'uh-oh' moments? Mr. President, I have a question. Did you make a boom boom in the Middle East? Look at me, I'm asking you a question!" --Jon Stewart


"Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout." --Jay Leno


"And AIG, you know the insurance company who's getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they're giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. These are cash awards, not bonuses. They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid AIG should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they'd be in without these people. Again, these are cash awards, not bonuses. So we should send them to jail, not prison, see?" --Jay Leno

"According to this week's Newsweek, in this bad economy, a lot of wealthy people are feeling what's known as luxury shame. They're embarrassed about their wealth while others are hurting. Although they say, after a few bottles of Cristal, that feeling goes away." --Jay Leno

"Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets. This is a good time to buy. Oh, it's a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing." --Jay Leno

Gibson asks Bush if he feels 'in any way responsible' for what's happening. Bush says he's been president while this has been going on, but continues on to say he thinks when this period of history is written, people will realize 'a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade' before he arrived 'in president']. Before I arrived 'in president'? That doesn't make sense. Let's give him a chance to correct himself [on screen: Bush says 'before I arrived in president, during I arrived in president']. No! You know something? I'm gonna miss you so much! By the way, do we really have to build this guy a library? I mean, can't we just get him an arcade/go-cart course? I know he'd like it more." --Jon Stewart


Share It, Post It, Email it!