A Political Roast Late Night Jokes From Jay Leno

1-19-09
"Tomorrow, America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for, 'former President George Bush,' President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you." --Jay Leno

"This is also Dick Cheney's last full day in office. Actually, he spent the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to $4 a gallon." --Jay Leno

"And if you watch the news, you know a lot of celebrities in Washington for the inauguration. Isn't that unbelievable? So many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu, they had to close the Promises Rehab Center for a week." --Jay Leno

"Good luck trying to find a place to stay. Given how hard it is to get a room in Washington, even Bill and Hillary had to double up. " --Jay Leno

"And that was quite a pre-inaugural show they put on in Washington yesterday. Then Barack Obama got up and he told the crowd that 'anything is possible in America' except, of course, the Eagles being in the Super Bowl." --Jay Leno

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Late Night Political Jokes-A Political Roast

Late Night Political Jokes From 1/17/09

"Did you all see President Bush's farewell address last night? President Bush said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right." --Jay Leno

"In fact, last night, President Bush's speech forced the preemption of the NBC comedy series 'Kath and Kim.'" Presidential historians are calling this Bush's finest achievement ever, actually." --Jay Leno

"And, of course, of course, now the real pressure is on. President Bush only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush said he's gonna live in Dallas when he leaves the White House. And, of course, the community in Dallas is welcoming him. You know, as a president who had a disappointing and horrible year, he'll be named an honorary member of the Dallas Cowboys. So, that's good news." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors." --Jay Leno

"Listen to what Barack Obama did today. He worked on the stimulus plan, had a classified intelligence briefing and met with Congressional leaders. Meanwhile, John McCain backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman

"And the other thing is, Barack Obama is still trying to get a dog for the kids. You know about that? He promised the little girls they'd get a dog when they moved into the White House. And he's looking for a dog that's loyal, friendly, and also one that can fetch cigarettes." --David Letterman

"And they're talking about a dog called a labradoodle. That's not a dog. That's George W. Bush playing Scrabble. Come on!" --David Letterman

"By the way, finally some financial good news, good news. The federal deficit will ease up now, because Dick Cheney has to pay for his own health care." --David Letterman

"Big interview with Dick Cheney over the weekend. Dick Cheney said that he's ... actually lovable. Dick Cheney. Actually loveable. I'm thinking about this. It really does melt your heart when he flashes that winning sneer." --David Letterman

"President Bush last night made his farewell address to the nation. For 15 minutes, America turned its gaze from the guy who landed the plane in the river to the guy who landed the country in the ditch." --Jimmy Kimmel

"White House decorators are busy right now peeling the glow in the dark stars off the ceiling in the presidential bedroom." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're four days away from Barack Obama's inauguration as the 44th president of the United States, and five days away from the biggest hangover of Oprah's life." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Security is going to be very tight in Washington, DC. They have 20,000 men deployed for this thing. 10,000 to ensure that Obama is safe, and 10,000 to make sure Bush leaves. And with so many of our nation's police on the scene in Washington, it might be a good time to commit a crime in your neck of the woods, you know what I'm saying? Or maybe not." --Jimmy Kimmel
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A Political Roast With Late Night Comedians Leno,Letterman and Kimmel

Jan. 15, 2009

"I tell you, it's cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again." --Jay Leno

"Incoming press secretary Robert Gibbs said President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' are over. Actually, that's not quite true. Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money. 'Don't Ask Us What We Did With It, We're Not Going To Tell You Where It Went.'" --Jay Leno

"And at his confirmation hearing, Attorney General Nominee Eric Holder said as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury secretary nominee Tim Geithner said, 'So is paying taxes.'" --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, Tim Geithner, who's been chosen to be our next secretary of the Treasury didn't pay $34,000 in federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. But to keep the nomination afloat, he paid it this week, plus another $8,000 in interest. So that's $42,000 the US Treasury made just like that. You know what Barack Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson to the position of Commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?" --Jay Leno


"Here's how cold it is outside. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was selling seats in his hair." --David Letterman

"President-elect Barack Obama plans to close Guantanamo, you know, the big holding center, the big prison, the interrogation center in Cuba. He is going to close that down. And Dick Cheney - I thought this was interesting - Dick Cheney said, 'Oh, fine, sure, I'm going to buy it and turn it into a vacation home.'" --David Letterman

"Bush will leave January 20th. Yes. Will it never get here? Cheney, meanwhile, said, "I'll leave when I damn well feel like it." But that's another story." --David Letterman

"But I want to tell you, it's so cold. It's so cold that Sarah Palin shot herself a brand-new coat." --David Letterman

"I think I have the perfect solution to this cold. I was thinking about it today. Let's swap countries with Mexico. Everyone who lives there moves here and vice versa. You want it so bad, you can have it. --Jimmy Kimmel


"President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he's going to leave Obama holding." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall short of, and people to disappoint." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave his annual State of the State address this morning. And while you might think that after five years in office, he has run out of cute references to his own movies. But he most certainly has not, because he made reference to Conan's sword in today's speech. All that's left is for him to tell the Board of Education about 'Kindergarten Cop,' right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

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A Political Roast With Late Night Jokes

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno

"Actually, listen to this. NBC said if the speech does really well in ratings, they're going to offer President Bush his own show every night at 9 o'clock." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack Obama does not believe in." --Jay Leno


"Now, let me ask you, when Barack Obama's mother-in-law moves into the White House, do you think she's going to be like all mother-in-laws? Like, when Barack Obama is upstairs asleep at the White House, do you think she'll be down in the kitchen with Michelle, going, 'You know, you could have done better.'" --Jay Leno

"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter — remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno

"The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people." --Jay Leno

"And The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that new? Haven't H.M.O.'s been doing that for years?" --Jay Leno

"One week from today, Barack Obama becomes president, and the current president becomes George W. Bush, mall cop. Did you know that?" --David Letterman

"But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. And he admitted -- it takes a big man to do this -- he admitted that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?" --David Letterman

"By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: 'Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years." --David Letterman

"People, I think, are excited because Barack Obama's inauguration is one week away. Some people are worried, though, because 3 million people are expected for the inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. That's true. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearing for secretary of state began today. And it's interesting because when you think about it, by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state, and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor. She's going to leave town, you see." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, 'I never got to find out what HUD means.'" --Conan O'Brien

"One week left of President Bush. It's hard to believe we've had eight seasons, but we have had, and the president has been busy saying his good-byes. Yesterday, he gave an unusually candid and animated press conference. As you may know, President Bush was never a big fan of press conferences, because the press didn't ever really understand him, mostly because he makes up his own words [on screen: Bush saying he respects the White House Press Corps, even though he didn't like the stories they wrote. He always said sometimes they 'misunderestimated' him]. I'm really going to miss him. Can't we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he actually doesn't make any decisions? I mean, I'm all for change, but I have a show to do here every night." --Jimmy Kimmel

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Political Roast Late Night Jokes

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno

"Actually, listen to this. NBC said if the speech does really well in ratings, they're going to offer President Bush his own show every night at 9 o'clock." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack Obama does not believe in." --Jay Leno


"Now, let me ask you, when Barack Obama's mother-in-law moves into the White House, do you think she's going to be like all mother-in-laws? Like, when Barack Obama is upstairs asleep at the White House, do you think she'll be down in the kitchen with Michelle, going, 'You know, you could have done better.'" --Jay Leno

"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter — remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno

"The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people." --Jay Leno

"And The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that new? Haven't H.M.O.'s been doing that for years?" --Jay Leno

"One week from today, Barack Obama becomes president, and the current president becomes George W. Bush, mall cop. Did you know that?" --David Letterman

"But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. And he admitted -- it takes a big man to do this -- he admitted that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?" --David Letterman

"By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: 'Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years." --David Letterman

"People, I think, are excited because Barack Obama's inauguration is one week away. Some people are worried, though, because 3 million people are expected for the inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. That's true. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearing for secretary of state began today. And it's interesting because when you think about it, by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state, and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor. She's going to leave town, you see." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, 'I never got to find out what HUD means.'" --Conan O'Brien

"One week left of President Bush. It's hard to believe we've had eight seasons, but we have had, and the president has been busy saying his good-byes. Yesterday, he gave an unusually candid and animated press conference. As you may know, President Bush was never a big fan of press conferences, because the press didn't ever really understand him, mostly because he makes up his own words [on screen: Bush saying he respects the White House Press Corps, even though he didn't like the stories they wrote. He always said sometimes they 'misunderestimated' him]. I'm really going to miss him. Can't we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he actually doesn't make any decisions? I mean, I'm all for change, but I have a show to do here every night." --Jimmy Kimmel

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Late Night Political Jokes| A Political Roast By Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama's inauguration is just a week away. They just announced this. Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln's route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington, DC. Isn't that cool? Yeah, Obama is making the trip three days early, because it's Amtrak and even he only has so much hope." --Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service is saying that it's not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry. They want to take it away from him, because they say President Clinton only sent two emails during his entire presidency. Yeah, apparently both of Clinton's emails had the subject line, 'Yes, I would like to hear more about natural male enhancement.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien

"A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there is a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. Yeah. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat." --Conan O'Brien
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Funny Political Jokes Late Night Political Roast| Letterman

"Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe me, it's not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they want some of that Federal bailout money." --David Letterman

"Do you have your tickets for the inauguration down in Washington? I sent in early. I sent the money in. I got my tickets back, lousy seats. You know where they put me? I'm right between Govs. Spitzer and Blagojevich." --David Letterman

"You know for each inauguration, the President adds his own little touches, his own signature note to the proceedings. For example, maybe you don't remember this but for the first Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free." --David Letterman

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school." --David Letterman

"It looks like Barack Obama wants the surgeon general to be Sanjay Gupta, the TV doctor. Are you familiar with Sanjay? I went to see him a couple of years ago because I had an inflamed gupta." --David Letterman

"But Sanjay Gupta says if he becomes the surgeon general the first thing he wants to do is warn people about one thing — the Regis Philbin show in high def. He said it could cause nausea and headaches." --David Letterman

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Funny Political Cartoons A Political Roast Pick

Here are some funny political Cartoons of the week!






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Political Roast:Late Night Jokes 1-9-09

"All five living presidents had lunch together at the White House on Wednesday. I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown. George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress." --David Letterman

"The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these years." --Conan O'Brien

"But surgeon general, that's a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on 'Scrubs.'" --David Letterman

"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama is going to be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because, folks, nothing says 'hope for the future' like General Motors. ... The good news is that at least they sold one car, apparently." --Conan O'Brien
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Political Roast:Late Night Jokes Jay Leno-1/7/09

"As you know, Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today, Blagojevich said ... 'If what I've done is impeachable, then I'm on the wrong planet.' That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. That would explain the Klingon helmet hair." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it looks like Roland Burris will get his Senate seat. But Senate leaders said not until his certificate is signed by the Illinois secretary of state. They say this has been the rule since 1884. They've never, ever waivered from this. Of course, over the past eight years, they've waved rules against, you know, torture and spying on Americans and violating the Constitution, but never the little signature." --Jay Leno

"President Bush hosted Barack Obama and all three living former presidents at the White House today. Pretty impressive. Jimmy Carter 39, was there. Bush 41 was there. Bush 43 was there. Clinton 69 was there." --Jay Leno

"Actually, there was one awkward moment, when President Bush asked all the other former presidents, he said, 'Don't you hate it when your approval rating goes below 15%?'" --Jay Leno

"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno

"And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"This is something President Bush did this week. He has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. Largest on the planet. And they are now totally protected. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil. Then all bets are off." --Jay Leno

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Political Roast:Late Night Political Jokes-David Letterman

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is an historic day down in Washington because five living presidents had lunch together. George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama all at the White House, all having lunch. What a day. And while this was going on, John McCain was at Applebee's blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown." --David Letterman

"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress." --David Letterman

"Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it? " --David Letterman

"But surgeon general, that's a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on 'Scrubs.'" --David Letterman

"The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he's at Wendy's ordering lunch." --David Letterman

"You know that you're an overweight recruit in the Army when you see a Domino's guy crawl into your foxhole." --David Letterman

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Political Roast| Late Jokes Conan and Kimmel

"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession. He described the economy as 'very sick.' That's what he said. Yeah. Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem, but still the smartest thing they've heard a president say in eight years." --Conan O'Brien

"Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Yeah, which explains why today, they passed three bills and four gallstones." --Conan O'Brien

"I'm honored to have been appointed the new junior senator from the state of Illinois. Thank you very much. Funny thing is, I'm still writing 2008 on the checks I sent to Governor Blagojevich." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family made the move from Chicago to Washington, D.C., over the weekend, so their daughters, Malia and Sasha, could start school with the other kids coming back from break. They're enrolled in the Sidwell Friends School, which is a very exclusive private school. Chelsea Clinton went there, and to give you an idea of how exclusive it is, someone got ahold of the school lunch menu. Now this for real. One day menu's, local pumpkin and sage soup, salad du jour, Caesar salad, chopped salad, spaghetti and meatballs, roasted butternut squash [on screen: a copy of the menu]. Disgusting, really disgusting stuff. No one would feed to that kind of garbage to their children. And while that might seem like a bit much for a bunch of 6-, 7- and 8-year old kids, I was actually looking through their wine list this morning and it's very reasonably priced. What would you recommend with Funyons, a Chablis?" --Jimmy Kimmel

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Political Roast| Late Night Jokes Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see this in the paper? In an interview with the Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that. Actually, I'm surprised. I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star." --Jay Leno

"Well, let's see what's going on. Unemployment is up again, especially if you're the new senator from Illinois trying to go to work." --Jay Leno

"Well, today on Capitol Hill, Roland Burris, who is Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that his name? Blagojevich, Blagojevich. He's the guy appointed to fill Barack Obama's seat. He was turned away and denied his seat in the Senate. Yeah, it's the worst thing that happened to a guy named Burris not involving a gun and a pair of sweatpants." --Jay Leno

"And the sad thing is, this Burris guy is kind of caught in the middle of this whole thing. Because legal analysts say in appointing the senator, Blagojevich may have actually acted legally. He may have acted legally. God, there's a first time for everything, huh?" --Jay Leno

"I love this part. He was turned away because they said he didn't meet the high standards of the Senate. Gee. I wonder which senator turned him down. Do you think it was the one who embezzled the money? Maybe it was the one that got caught with the hooker? I know, I'll bet it was the one caught fornicating near the urinal in the airport bathroom. That was the one, exactly." --Jay Leno

"And President-elect Barack Obama has now named former Clinton Chief of Staff Leon Panetta to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are criticizing this, because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush." --Jay Leno

"And in an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prized collection of over 250 autographed baseballs, which would be very impressive if he were 10." --Jay Leno

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Political Roast|Late Night Jokes David Letterman

"On this date in 2001 ... George W. Bush was certified as the winner of the 2000 presidential election. How about that? That turned out pretty well, didn't it?" --David Letterman

"By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is 'I'm with Stupid.'" --David Letterman

"Tomorrow, President Bush is hosting a White House lunch for President-elect Barack Obama, former President Jimmy Carter and former President Bill Clinton. So that's like an historic luncheon. It will be Barack Obama, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. At least that's what Bill is telling Hillary." --David Letterman

"A new survey indicates that Barack Obama is the most admired man in America. Most admired man in America. That makes pretty good sense, don't you think? I'm also on the list, thank you. Thank you very much. I'm a little farther down. I'm between Richard Simmons and Bernie Madoff. But I'm on the list." --David Letterman

"The Secret Service has unveiled a new state-of-the-art limousine for Barack Obama. A million dollars for this state-art-limousine. Meanwhile, today, John McCain closed a deal on a used LeSabre. But the limousine is massive. It's a three ton, it's a tank-like vehicle, or, as GM calls it, it's a compact." --David Letterman

"But here's good news for Obama. The new tank-like limousine is shoe proof, so that's good news." --David Letterman

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Funny George Bush Shoe Throwing Jokes from the Late Night Comedians

Now this is a Political Roast!

"George Bush is over there in Baghdad saying goodbye to the troops, and this Iraqi journalist heaves a couple shoes at the President. And we thought, hopefully that's just a one-of-a-kind episode. Unfortunately, however, the news coming out of the Middle East is that Iran is developing a long-range loafer." --David Letterman

"People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. ... It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno "That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? That's what he said! I mean, take off one shoe. You throw it. You throw the other shoe. He planned it for months. And he still missed both times!" --Jay Leno


"The guy is being called a hero in the Arab world. So, he has this plan and it's a failure. And he's a hero. You know, if that's the standard, Bush would be the biggest hero in the Arab world." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This is the country we thought had nuclear weapons. It turns out they have a pair of size 9 Hush Puppies instead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back." --Jay Leno

"I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox News." --David Letterman

"Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!" --Jay Leno

"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno

"You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno

"Now, here's my question, and no offense here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn't they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I'm saying? Come on. Seriously. Aren't these guys supposed to take a bullet for the president?" --Jay Leno

"See, that's when Bush realized he was on his way out, when the Secret Service are going, 'Yeah, we're guarding the new guy now.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno

"Well, the interesting thing was the journalist who threw the shoe was immediately arrested, and then offered his own show on MSNBC." --Jay Leno

"Bush is in Baghdad, he's having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, 'Here's your farewell kiss, you dog!' That's what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC." --David Letterman

"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman

"You've got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. ... Too bad he didn't react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers." --David Letterman

I don't think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, at a press conference in Baghdad, an angry Iraqi threw his shoes at President Bush's head. Yeah, when he saw the shoes, President Bush said, 'See, I knew you guys had weapons of mass destruction." --Conan O'Brien

"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien

"The shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. Free shoes! You betcha!" --Craig Ferguson

"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson

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Political Roast: President George Bush Bloopers

These are some of the funniest bloopers from
President George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States.
It is hard to image that he was President after watching these videos! Nice job Republicans!

George bush bloopers
This is george bush. (i think hes drunk)

We salute you George Bush...You tried.....Goodbye
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Late Night Political Jokes: A Political Roast--week of 12/23/08

"Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office." --Conan O'Brien

"What a rough crowd last night. Rough, they were surly. They were quiet. I'm telling you. It was quiet in here. It was like a Lehman Brothers Christmas party.
The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It's that cold." --David Letterman

"Insider tip. How many folks still have cars? Anybody here still have a car? You know, you can turn them in, take them in to Washington and they'll give you your money back. And Ford Motors, by God, Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money."

"One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe believe Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats." --David Letterman


"The shoe-tossing guy in Iraq, you know, he wrote a letter to President Bush and he apologized. He said, 'Dear president Bush, I'm sorry I threw a shoe at you.' And I was thinking, wait a minute. When is President Bush going to apologize for invading Iraq?" --David Letterman

"It is freezing everywhere. It was so cold in Washington, even Bill and Hillary were snuggling." --Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" --Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said in an interview on '60 Minutes' on Sunday that, if the Constitution allowed it, he would like to run for president. Yeah. Yeah. There's a switch, a Republican being stopped by the Constitution, when does that ever happen?" --Jay Leno

"The largest donor at the Clinton library turns out to be Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Well, some critics argue that such close financial ties to the Mideast could be a conflict of interest. However, Hillary Clinton says she will not advocate Arab policies. Except, you know, the practice of stoning adulterers." --Jay Leno

"NBC is showing, once again, the classic movie 'It's a Wonderful Life.' See, it is so different today. See, when they made that movie, back then, the government actually asked banks to account for what money was missing." --Jay Leno


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Political Roast: Late Night Political Jokes

"You folks around the country probably know this, but here in New York City it's freezing cold. It's so cold today that that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell." --David Letterman

"It's so cold today President Bush was ducking ski boots." --David Letterman

"Today is the second day of Hanukkah. John McCain made an appearance with Joe the Rabbi." --David Letterman

"In a recent interview, President Bush says that he's already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Yeah, which means he's only two years behind most Americans." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the Wall Street Journal, this is interesting, many of the people Barack Obama has appointed to his cabinet are excellent basketball players. Except for Hillary Clinton, who prefers lacrosse or field hockey." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Barack Obama says he plans on having a lot of jazz and classical music at the White House. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I'd better go break the bad news to the Wiggles.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don't want to say he's unpopular, but today as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him." --Jay Leno

"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama's seat any time soon. He says he's going to wait until next summer when prices improve." --Jay Leno

Political Roast:Late Night Political Jokes Conan O'Brien

"This week President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles." --Conan O'Brien

Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it's President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it's Ed Begley Jr." --Conan O'Brien

"Gay leaders are furious at Barack Obama because he picked an anti-gay minister to deliver a prayer during the inauguration ceremony. Yeah. Gay leaders are also furious at Obama because the tie he's planning to wear is all wrong." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is hosting a lunch next month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents. Isn't that cool? Yeah. Bush said, 'I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded.' He doesn't know what happened." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey that just came out, the most admired profession is doctor. Doctor is the most admired profession. Yeah. The least admired profession? Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's barber." --Conan O'Brien

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Political Roast:Late Night Jokes Jay Leno-Dec.18,2008

"I tell you, the economy's rough. People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Chicago, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was trying to sell Senate seat warmers." --Jay Leno

"And it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren't used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn't understand. The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn't get to the global warming conference." --Jay Leno

"And the big financial story, Bernard Madoff, the man they call the most hated man in New York, as you know, has been arrested after confessing to running this Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors out of $50 billion. That's almost hard to believe. But the good news, today he was named A.I.G.'s man of the year." --Jay Leno

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