"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman
"Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!" --Jay Leno
"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno
"You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno
"You've got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. ... Too bad he didn't react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers." --David Letterman
I don't think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War." --David Letterman
"Yesterday, at a press conference in Baghdad, an angry Iraqi threw his shoes at President Bush's head. Yeah, when he saw the shoes, President Bush said, 'See, I knew you guys had weapons of mass destruction." --Conan O'Brien
"Now, here's my question, and no offense here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn't they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I'm saying? Come on. Seriously. Aren't these guys supposed to take a bullet for the president?" --Jay Leno
"See, that's when Bush realized he was on his way out, when the Secret Service are going, 'Yeah, we're guarding the new guy now.'" --Jay Leno
"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno
"Well, the interesting thing was the journalist who threw the shoe was immediately arrested, and then offered his own show on MSNBC." --Jay Leno
"Well, the Bush administration said they are ready to step in now and help the auto industry. And believe you me, whenever the Bush administration gets involved in something, it is solved immediately. So, I think we'll be fine on that front." --Jay Leno
"Well, the latest talk is that Caroline Kennedy wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. She wants Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. In fact, today, Caroline Kennedy got a call from Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich saying, 'How much you willing to pay for it?'" --Jay Leno
"In an unprecedented move, the Illinois Attorney General has asked the High Court to strip Governor Bla-son-of-a-bitch -- is that his name? I can never get it right -- of his powers and declare him unfit. See, that would never happen here in California. See, they would declare our governor too fit." --Jay Leno
"And at a press conference this week, Jesse Jackson Jr., who is Candidate Number 5 for the Senate seat, strongly denied that he did anything wrong or improper. But now people are saying his brother might be involved. They say Jesse Jackson Jr. could be punished politically for what his brother did, to which Jeb Bush said, 'Tell me about it!'" --Jay Leno
"And speaking on ABC's Sunday morning show, 'This Week,' John McCain said that Sarah Palin could not necessarily count on his support if she runs for president in 2012. McCain said 'we have some other great, young governors out there.' Yeah, too bad he didn't pick one of them to run with." --Jay Leno
"Now here's something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it's Joe the Arsonist. That's who they are looking for." --David Letterman
"Bush is in Baghdad, he's having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, 'Here's your farewell kiss, you dog!' That's what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC." --David Letterman
"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien
"It's been reported that former President Clinton may have to testify at Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearing. That's right. Clinton says, 'This time, when I say 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman,' it'll be true." --Conan O'Brien
"You know who it is a great day for? Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who still has his job. He didn't resign. Everyone thought he would. Looks like his plan is to keep hanging on, even though the game is over. Political experts call this strategy 'the Hillary Clinton.'" --Craig Ferguson
"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson
"When a journalist throws his shoes at the President, if you're a late night talk show host, you go, 'Aaahhh!' Good times. It's like when Cheney shot his lawyer. You go: 'Aaaahhhh! Well, that's tonight's show taken care of.'" --Craig Ferguson
"Bush was amazing. You see how quickly Bush got out of the way? Bush has been accused of dodging issues in the past, but who knew he could actually dodge shoes?" --Craig Ferguson
"Bush is 62 years old, but he still has the reflexes of a cat. Mind you, I think his head has been on a swivel ever since Cheney shot his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson
"You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. 'Free shoes? You betcha!'" --Craig Ferguson
"Anyway, the conspiracy theories have begun. Oliver Stone is already making a movie about the shoe-throwing incident. He thinks there was a second shoe-thrower, because that journalist threw two shoes in four seconds. That's impossible." --Craig Ferguson
"The irony of all of this is of course that this shoe-throwing incident is as close as we'll ever get to finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." --Craig Ferguson
"The shoe-throwing journalist has got his supporters because today in Iraq, thousands of people took to the streets. They were all chanting in unison all day long. And do you know what they were chanting? Now I'm not making this up. They were chanting, 'Bush, Bush listen well, two shoes on your head!' Well, I think the President must be devastated by that. If John Kerry had used that chant four years ago, he would have won!" --Craig Ferguson
"What kind of chant is that? If there's an Iraqi Doctor Seuss, he must be terrible. 'One fish, two fish, seven dogs run on a lawn.'" --Craig Ferguson
"The bright side to all of this is the Iraqi economy must be going well if a guy can afford to throw a perfectly good pair of shoes. Journalists over here can't even afford a pair of flip-flops." --Craig Ferguson
"The shoe-throwing journalist is in jail. He didn't think this through, though. I mean, if you're a journalist and you're unhappy with a politician, why don't you just write something down? You're a journalist! You can even get it printed in a newspaper! Doesn't he know that the pen is mightier than the shoe?" --Craig Ferguson
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