"Big news from Washington today. Even though it may make some people uncomfortable, President-elect Obama says he'll use his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, when he's sworn in next month. To show support, Joe Biden is also using his full name, Joseph Adolph Fidel Puppykiller Biden." --Craig Ferguson
"It is not all bad news for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, because today is his birthday. If you want to get Blagojevich a present, you can't go wrong with a good lawyer." --Craig Ferguson
"So what did this cat Blagojevich do, other than his childhood work as the model for Bob's Big Boy? [on screen: photo of Bob's Big Boy]. [on screen: a montage of news reports outlining Blagojevich's crimes]. Actually, let me just make this simpler. What isn't he being charged with? [on screen: a quote from the movie 'Fletch Lives,' in which a character saying 'Molesting a dead horse']. I assume that's hyperbole. Currently, he hasn't done anything that rises to the same level of evil as necrophilic beastiality [on screen: reports that Blagojevich withheld funds for a children's hospital because he didn't get the $50,000 in campaign donations he wanted from the director]. You're better off f***ing a dead horse. Blagojevich was shaking down a children's hospital. No doubt under the auspices of his charitable foundation, 'Take-a-Wish.' They kill sick children's dreams." --Jon Stewart
"Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzpatrick summed up the obvious [on screen: Fitzpatrick saying, 'There's politics and there's crime, and sometimes, I think when people get in trouble, they try and blur those lines']. Yes, you can get in trouble if you blur the line between politics and crime. Although, I can safely say you can get in trouble for blurring the line between anything and crime" --Jon Stewart
"Now, perhaps the toughest thing for Governor Blagojevich is that today, December 10, is his birthday. ... First, indicted Senator Ted Stevens loses the Alaska election recount on his birthday. And now this. In fact, Hallmark has come up with a new category of cards birthdays/federal indictments. I've got one right here. 'Hey, you're not over the hill, you're in federal custody!' Big sellers." --Stephen Colbert
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